Ramblings and musings of Reinahada
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Below are the 6 most recent journal entries recorded in the "reinahada" journal:
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10:40 am
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Writer's Block: Back in Time
i would like to visit the era when Jesus was alive and preaching, because i would like to meet him and find out the REAL way Christianity SHOULD be practiced. i'd love to show him the bible and find out what he thinks of it. i wonder if he'd rip out pages like river in the movie serenity, to 'fix' it.
Tags: time travel, writer's block
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05:58 pm
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hello how are you doing - triggery entry.
nobody really wants the answer to that quesetion. there are so many different ways to ansewr it though. i've got one of those headaches that won't quit. the doctor gave me medicine so it will hopefully stop it from hurting. but i don't feel confident enough in my self to think i am remotely using it correctly. i forgot i hadn't eaten, and the weather is nasty, i am sure that's why i have a headache, and it isn't suppose to help with normal headaches only migraines. i dunno.
my legs hurt because they are so swollen. i have no idea what to do to get rid of the swelling in my feet. it seems i get stay-puft marshmallow feet once or twice a year for no apparent reason. actually if i think about it the last time my feet were like this was in the autumn, i think. maybe it's related to the seasons changing. the season changes and i get to have marshmallow feet for a month. whee.
let's see what else can i put here. i feel empty and hollow inside, like life has no meaning. I'm fairly ceartain that life is growing more and more rapidly pointless. dbt is supposed to be all about creating a life worth living. how can you create something out of nothing? my entire life right now revolves around my computer.
i am breaking out in random fits of crying as i think about ... things.
how can i be both so high, and so low at the same time. my roommates say i am perky. i want to be perky. perky means happy, doesn't it? i feel miserable. i need to get ahold of myself by friday. i am going on friday by greyhound to see my mom in friendsville, tennessee. she's picking me up in knoxville. there's still a little something in me that says, well, maybe that will be fun.
there are good things about my life right now, i guess, you can look at them that way. i'll most likely get the approval for disability benefits soon, and i might not even need to go for a hearing. i will probably get ssi, and my spend-down, i believe is the term for it, will be rather fun.
i have decided not to buy a car. in one way this is good because it is my decision and i made it for myself and for my own reasons. because i don't want to drive. in another way it is bad because it makes me more dependant on other people because i will always need transportation to places i need or want to go. but that's okay, i don't really want to go anywhere.
i do sorta want to go to knoxville. the roommates said i had some trouble with it last time. i know i did but i don't really recall all of it. maybe this time will be better. i am going to email the roommates every day and give status reports - should be interesting to see them before i go back again.
i was going to write something, probably derogatory, about therapy/my therapist. but i don't recall what it was. anyway i will be gone until june 14th.
oh, and to answer the question: I'm fine, thank you.
Current Mood:  depressed
Current Music: the refrigerator making scary knocking sounds
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10:21 am
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My voice
My voice is as back as it's going to be, I think. It's still getting strained when I talk for long periods and it is strained in the higher registers. I'm not a singer by any real standard, but it is still bothering me that I can't sing as well as I'd like. I want to rest my voice as much as possible and will continue to do so, even though I think (and I am sure this is a product of my own mind only) that I am driving my roommate/s crazy.
But I am not being very successful at resting my voice. I have resumed my wonderfully (or horrifically) long telephone calls with my friend from Ohio, and I have made promises to at least 3 other people that I will call them. I was teasing around with Tep the other day and I said, you know, I talk a lot, and he shot back with, boy do I know! I was like hey now! LOL. The thing is, I know he doesn't mind that I talk that much.
My diet of eggs and sausage has increased exponentially. I wish I was better at cooking the eggs. I always have to get someone else to cook them for me.
At least I am feeling better. This weekend I intend to finally clean out my frier and then I'm going to attack the counter and the stove, and the top of the dishwasher. Then I'll have enough clean space to turn the kitchen into a disaster area. My roommates haven't seen anything yet, if they think the kitchen's been messy before ...
Well I totally forgot what else I was going to say. But I know there was more. Heh. Oh well.
Current Mood:  lonely
Current Music: The Amadeus Mozart
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03:59 pm
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the flu
hell i am finally feeling okay enough to post that i've been sick, but i am still sick. i think i will be getting over this soon though and then maybe i will post more. of course that is a big maybe because it is entirely possible that i won't. i've had flu, sore throat and head full of nasties for two weeks. can i be done with this now?
Current Mood:  sick
Current Music: nothing
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08:21 pm
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Therapy avoidance
Hello Friends
I don't want to go to therapy tomorrow. I think I wanted to go last week, but I didn't want to go the week before. Or was it the week before that I didn't go because it had snowed the night before therapy and we couldn't really get out of our driveway? Well, we might actually have been able to get out of our driveway, but we just so deperately didn't want to go that day that we decided not to even try. Our roommate didn't feel like driving either. He missed his appointment with his doctor because he didn't want to drive in the snow. So it was only part avoidance on my part. But the actuality was that I didn't want to go. I'm trying to remember my reasons for not wanting to go, and they're not really coming to me very well. So I think about the reasons that I don't really want to go tomorrow, either.
First of off, tomorrow I don't want to go because I didn't do therapy homework all week and that is some kind of no-no during therapy. I didn't do the therapy homework because for some reason it was causing me extra anxiety this week. My anxiety has been higher than usual lately. I thought I was going to get more writing done about some issues I need and want to write about, but I haven't gotten any of it done. I had intended to do the writing as parts of the homework, on the diary card. Part of the reason it didn't get done was because I was playing on live journal a lot, answering posts and whatnot, and then a few days ago all of my activity kind of just stopped. Another reason I don't want to go tomorrow is that every time I have a therapy session I end up crying, screaming, and in tears. Sometimes I seem to hold it relatively together during the session, but as I think about and try to process what went on during session, I just get worse and worse. Last week I had a nervous breakdown and emotional outburst in the Rite Aid, after session, on the surface because I couldn't find the chocolate milk, but really because I had just reached and exceeded my stress tolerance limit. I'm always non-functional for the rest of the day, after a therapy session. I've been that way for a long time, with any therapist, but I think it is worse now than it has been in the past. I'm in therapy to learn better coping mechanisms on how to deal with the world at large, but I am not even sure I can deal with therapy. At this point I am not sure it is helping, so much as making me shut down more. Also at issue is that I still am not sure that my therapist is entirely right for me. Would I still be having this much trouble dealing with therapy if there were more harmony between my therapist and I? I have no idea. I know therapy isn't easy, but I don't know how traumatic it should be in the beginning, or throughout. How do you know when enough is enough?
-Reinahada (aka Distraida)
Current Mood:  sleepy
Current Music: Total Eclipse of the Heart
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07:55 pm
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is there anybody out there
hello to all of you. if you care, reinahada is short for reina de la hada which is gramatically bad spanish for queen of the fae. later or maybe tomorrow, i will be joining some communities. you may notice i am not using capitalization. that is because capitalization is overrated. you will notice that it gets used at times, though - probably more often than not. anyway, i have stuff to do, so i am out of here for now.
Current Mood:  anxious
Current Music: none
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reinahada's journal